Autobiography
Pan Zhao

Engl 106-i73

Jann 27th 2020

Autobiography (second draft)

I am a Chinese national. I was born in Shanghai, China 21 years ago. I studied in

shanghai until 9th grade and then moved to Los Angeles, California where I enrolled in high

school before moving to another shortly afterward. The first was catholic affiliated; the second

one was also Christian based. I graduated from high school. I am now seeking an opportunity to

pursue an undergrad in Sales Management at Purdue; while I would like to pursue a major in

sales management, I would not say with finality that it’s the course I will settle for. I am still

scouting. I have a couple of options that I also like. I will settle on one in due course. Aside from

being enthusiastic about academics, I also have hobbies; the things I like doing during my free

time. Oftentimes, I play basketball, work out, follow the stock market, and play video games in

my free time. I come from a loving family. My father was a college professor; he is now a

businessman. My mother was once a high school teacher. She is now a CEO in of education

outfit.

Aside from my background. I would also like to share my life experiences here in the US.

In this biography, I explore the good, the bad and the ugly in relation to the experiences I have

faced during my stay in Los Angeles. First off, I would like to indicate that my formative years

were spent in a completely different culture. So, I was socialized differently relative to most of

the people I interacted with in high school. I moved from a collectivistic cultural orientation into

a completely different setup. My upbringing impacted my level of class connectedness; I was

Carla Rosell
Pan, all work needs to be turned in as a Word document. If you turn in the final assignment as a PDF, you will be marked down.
Carla Rosell
This first paragraph does not relate to writing in any way. I would delete it because you need to repurpose the space to discuss your development as a writer.
passive in class. I also grappled with loneliness for a considerable amount of time. Most of the

students I interacted with during my high school years were somewhat language proficient; I,

however, grappled with perceived language incompetence; my friends were outspoken; they

responded freely to questions raised by teachers.

Also, I would say that the collision between the Chinese and the American cultures

somehow impeded the extent to which I could realize socio-cultural adjustments. I, from time to

time, entertained the thoughts that my cultural predisposition was somewhat inferior. These

thoughts made me overly self-conscious and bled into my classroom participation. While this

was a challenge in my freshman and sophomore years, I was lucky enough to have good friends

by my side by the time I transitioned to junior. This company provided the needed support and

entrenched a sense of belonging in me in ways that encouraged me to interact more with others

and to learn from them as well. Looking back, I would say that I have come a long way. I

converse freely with people these days; I am more proactive now than I was when I first got to

Los Angeles. It took me a lot of reading, talking to people in attempts to get off my comfort

zone.

I was initially not good in writing the English language as opposed to the Chinese

language. Even though I had started writing the English language in China, success was more in

the United States when I moved to the United States. This is because the need for the English

language was more and I had to adjust to knowing how to write in English more fluently for me

to cope with my stay in the United States. When I lived with my host parents, they taught me a

lot on writing skills. Once I got an assignment from my high school english teacher which let me

write a six hundreds words essay. At that time, six hundreds works means I have to use at least a

Carla Rosell
Why? Is this something that impacted your writing?
Carla Rosell
This first sentence implies you feel more comfortable in writing in Chinese. You need to dedicate a couple of paragraphs to your writing in Chinese. What do you struggle with when writing in Chinese? Is there anything you’ve learned that helped you improve, or that made you feel pride in your writing?
Carla Rosell
Do you mean your writing improved as you practiced English, as your English proficiency also improved?
week to do it, it was really hard for me, then I decided to tell my host mom. At the first, she let

me use Chinese to write couple bullet points about what I am going to write about, and translate

to English. After that, she helped me to express every bullet points to sentences and paragraphs.

Then she helped me correct the grammar and spelling by each sentence. At the same time, she

taught me a lot about how to write a good essay, how to use those higher level vocabulary, and

how to be a better writer.

My woes, however, did not stop with the challenges in school; my initial weeks in the US

were also marked by dietary challenges. I harbored misgivings about food which compounded

my already unpleasant experience in the US; I would say, overall, my stay in LA and school life

at the outset was a nightmare, but a shinny star was be with me the whole time, my host mom

which I should use my whole life the appreciate to. While I did experience such a challenge at

the beginning of my sojourn here in the US, I do not experience them as much. I am more

acclimatized now and I enjoy my stay here.

Carla Rosell
Pan, While you added in a new paragraph that directly discusses your development as a writer, your essay still needs heavy revision. The theme of your writing autobiography is your development as a writer, as opposed to your autobiography. The new paragraph you added does a good job showing why writing in English is more challenging than writing in Chinese for you. It is your best paragraph. You should model the rest of the essay on this paragraph, as it provides the sort of detail I need to see throughout the essay. My main suggestion is thus that you revise your essay to have each paragraph revolve around the idea of writing. If your paragraph does not discuss writing, then you need to delete that paragraph and replace it with one that does discuss some aspect of your journey as a writer. More specifically, I need to hear about your struggles and successes writing in both Chinese and English. Providing additional detail will help you better illustrate your development in both languages. I have pointed out a couple of places (see my side comments) where you should insert more details. My other main suggestion concerns grammar and mechanics. I suggest reading your essay out loud, as this will help you identify small grammatical errors (like a verb tense error, or missing word) that you need to fix.
Carla Rosell
This final paragraph does not discuss writing. I would delete it.
Carla Rosell
How exactly? What techniques did she teach you to help you develop your ideas from bullet points to paragraphs?
Carla Rosell
What specifically did she teach you? How did she help you learn more vocabulary?